


Mommy Issues

by neonhiddles



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Age Difference, Established Relationship, F/F, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 09:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13761261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neonhiddles/pseuds/neonhiddles





	Mommy Issues

It's happened before, someone mistaking Liv for her mother, but it didn't bother her until now. Why did it bother her? Why did the middle age waitress at the French restaurant they love's assumption about them get under her skin so badly? Liv's hand on her back brought her thoughts from out of the clouds, "Is everything ok, princess? You've been inside your own head since we left dinner" 

Oh, Liv. Sweet, caring, beautiful Liv; always so in tune with her every emotion. It's one of the many things she loves about her. 

"Hm? Yeah. I was just thinking"

Liv laughs, "uh-oh. That's never good."

"Do you ever wish you were with someone else? Someone.....your own age?" Ellie looks at her shoes, not wanting to see Liv's face fall, which she knows it does. Even without looking. 

"Why would you ever ask me that? What's gotten into you? You haven't been right since the waitress...." realization plays on her face as she finally realizes what this is all about. She stops to the left of the sidewalk, outside a coffee shop, and brings her fingers to Ellie's chin, making her look in her eyes. "Is this because that waitress thought I was your mom?"

"Yes!" Ellie practically shouts in Liv's face. She's embarrassed and wants nothing more than to go home and allow the comforter to swallow her whole, but that's not going to take away the pain in her chest. She needs to talk it out with Liv, she knows that, but she doesn't really want to be getting into her past on 150th street if she could help it. 

"It's not like people haven't said that before, so what makes tonight different? Let me inside your head for once, just once, Lainey" Ellie couldn't hide the wince at the use of her government. Liv never called her that. She's hurt, because of course she is. Why wouldn't she be? 

"I've never wanted to admit it, but the fact that people keep mistaking you for my mother makes me wonder if I'm with you because I have mommy issues."

"Mommy issues?" Liv's voice is quiet, understanding. She doesn't want to pry Ellie for information she doesn't feel comfortable giving.

"Yeah. My mother wasn't the best to me growing up, hell, being raised by a pack of wolves would've been a better situation than I was in. She loved me when I was younger, that I know, because I don't have any bad childhood memories with her. 

But then I got older and my undiagnosed mental illnesses started to show themselves more and something within her just, kinda, snapped. She was 20 when she had me, so by the time I was 15, I pretty much just assumed she hated me because she wasn't able to live her life the way a twenty-something is supposed to." 

Liv could feel rage and sadness brew in her chest at Ellie's admission, but she forces herself to swallow around it.

"My mother's white, like you, but trust me when I say you two are nowhere near comparable. She loved to make racist remarks towards me, she'd hit me until my glasses fell off my face. A broken pair and several crooked years later, I finally learned to just take them off during one of her episodes. I could simply wake up in the morning and she'd be on me again about whatever was bothering her at that moment. She loved to take all her anger out on me, even if it had absolutely nothing to do with me.

Her favourite thing, though, was verbal assault. She'd make remarks about my weight or tell me how unattractive and unlovable I was. Then she'd try to coerce me into hitting her so that she could call the cops on me and have me arrested. She threatened to rape a friend of mine, get her fired. Hell, she threatened to rape and sell me on more than one occasion. There'd be times that she'd actually grab my genitals and breasts. I told myself at 12, fucking 12, that if a significant other ever asked about her, I'd say she was dead. What twelve year old comes up with that shit about their own mother? Who's mother is horrid enough to MAKE them think like that?"

The more Ellie says about her mother, the more she sounds like the type of person Liv herself would put away for harming a child. And yet, here she was, completely unable to help her partner during that time. Unable to save her from her own mother. The thought of a young Ellie trying to protect herself from her mother's hands causes bile to build up in Liv's throat, this time, she was unable to swallow it down. 

Before either of them can think, Liv's $100 dinner is all over the streets of Manhattan, painting itself across their shoes. 

****

Ellie rubs Liv's back softly, cooing comforting words in her ear. She can't believe her story of childhood trauma caused the great Lieutenant Olivia Benson, who's definitely seen worse, to pour her guts all over 150th and 1st. 

Liv pants and wipes her mouth on her coat sleeve. Her eyes are watering and her ears ringing. Life at the current moment seems a blur, but Ellie rubbing her back and kissing her hair brings her back down. Centres her. God, does she love that woman. 

"Liv, I'm sorry," Ellie starts, but Liv stops her. "No, Ellie, I'm sorry. Even though this was before me, I couldn't protect you and that makes me feel more guilty than you could ever imagine. Maybe the statute of limitations is still good. I can try and put her away. I'm sure Barba will be more than willing,"

 

Ellie huffs a slight laugh, cutting Liv off, "sadly, Lieutenant, this isn't your jurisdiction. But I very much appreciate the sentiment."

 

"What do you mean this isn't my jurisdiction? This is what I do for a living, Ellie! It's my job!"

 

"Not in Canada it isn't."

 

Liv looks at her, eyes wide, "what?"

 

"Liv, I'm Canadian. The only reason I live here, let alone can afford it, is because I share the apartment with you. You know, the one where our son is currently asleep in his bed, probably cuddling that ratty old leopard you got him from the zoo?"

 

Of course Liv knows that, but she didn't expect for it to get in the way of the investigation she was going to open on Ellie's mother as soon as she got to the precinct tomorrow morning. 

 

"I knew that. But can I tell you something?"

 

"Hm? What's that?"

 

"You're definitely not with me because of your mommy issues. You're with me because you love me, and Noah and even the squad you're convinced hates you. That's why we're life partners. Not because of your disgusting mother. You being hesitant to let me get close to you, however, is because of your mother. You were scared to get hurt and tossed away again, and I can in no way blame you for that. But you have me and you have Noah, and we both love you unconditionally."

 

The tears welling in Ellie's eyes spill over and she laughs. A genuine laugh even in the midst of crying. "I love you, Olivia Benson, god do I ever. But you owe me a new pair of shoes. Expensive ones, do you hear me?"

 

Liv joins her in her inappropriate laughter before taking out the wad of napkins she'd stuffed in her pocket from coffee that morning and, unsuccessfully, attempting to clean their shoes. 

 

"This place looks nice. Not to mention, I could use a coffee to settle my stomach and thoughts. Sound good?"

 

"Sounds perfect."


End file.
